Thats the weirdest erotic sentence i’ve read all month
this fucking post singlehandedly ruined my life
You don’t really appreciate how fucking great fan fic is when it comes to writing sex untill you stop to recognise how Serious Literary Stars fail at writing sex.
Forget what his dick is doing, what are her breasts doing? How do a pair of fat sacks attached to a ribcage barrel-roll anywhere? Let alone across a man’s mouth and then his wanger immediately after? Sir, why is your mouth so dong-adjacent? Is your weiner detachable, is that it? Do you have your joystick clutched in your hand so that you can score a sweet schlong-to-titty-roll immediately after a kiss and then proceed to beat your banana all over her body in the world’s most failed attempt at erotic massage??? HOW DO YOU THINK SEX WORKS???
… guys
….. Are the sex scenes in My Immortal better than this? “HE PUT HIS THINGY IN MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT AND WE HAD SEX.”
… I mean. Comparatively…
Like, in My Immortal, it’s at least implied he knows where he’s supposed to put it. It’s very simplistic, Ikea-style sex (insert tab A into slot B) but that’s better than this vague, useless composition of random, nonsensical placement and movement of body parts.
So yes, the sex in My Immortal is, in this sense, better.
OK so I’m sure people are aware of this, but just in case you’re not: there is an annual ‘award’ given every year by the Literary Review for bad sex scenes in fiction. The above entry (sorry) by Morrissey won this illustrious award in 2015 (and yes, he threw a massive tantrum about it, because he’s Morrissey):
The best part of this is that the 2016 nominations were just announced, and OH BOY, there are some absolute crackers this year:
And in case anyone is interested, these are some of the entries that Morrissey beat to the top prize last year:
I agree. We are spoilt by fanfiction.
I don’t know who to laugh at more, the guy having an existential crisis before getting a blowjob or the one going, “Mmm. Papaya. Much more arousing than this nonsense.”
I got pretty fed up with looking for words to replace said because they weren’t sorted in a way I could easily use/find them for the right time. So I did some myself.
I’M DRUNK OR JUST BEING WEIRDLY EXPRESSIVE FOR A POINT/SARCASM Hooted Howled Yowled
I WONDER Pondered Voiced Wondered
OH, YEAH, WHOOPS Recalled Recited Remembered
SURPRISE BITCH Revealed
IT SEEMS FAKE BUT OKAY/HA ACTUALLY FUNNY BUT I DON’T WANT TO LAUGH OUT LOUD Scoffed Snickered Snorted
BITCHY Tattled Taunted Teased
reblog to save a writer
excellent resource
Me while reading: Noooo! My poor sweet babies! AUTHOR, WHY MUST YOU TORMENT YOUR CHARACTERS SO?
Me while writing: This character has been orphaned, whipped, sentenced to death, thrown overboard by pirates, captured by enemy soldiers, near-fatally poisoned, put on trial for his life before an angry mob, tortured in front of his best friend, and thrown into prison again.
Me while writing: …
Me while writing: Let’s stab him.
You turn on your PC to keep working on your novel, but to your surprise, when you open the file, it is writing itself. You read some of what has already been written and it seems your characters have created free will, and the plot is progressing without you.
persephone's corner 