Tag: perf

31-rabbits:

aliensnipe:

What if there were women’s cleanliness products that were marketed the way Old Spice stuff is? Like they had names like “Lioness” and “Sycamore” and “Wildfire” and “Hunter’s Moon” and they were touted as making you smell like a warrior queen who does not suffer fools and conquers all she beholds

HELLO LADIES

have you felt the primal call of the unmerciful sea calling you to strike down those who would defy you? no? well if you stopped using overpriced flower-scented body wash and switched to SEA HAG, you might. 

look down.

back up. where are you? you’re a siren, bare-breasted and shrieking as you lure the unwary to their doom on the rocks below. and you smell amazing. 

what’s in your hand? back at me. it’s a vial of skin-nourishing ingredients, derived from the seaweed you used to strangle a hated foe. it does wonders for your skin tone and resilience, and we all can agree that we will need that resilience in the coming war.

look again: the seaweed is now a formal apology from the last man who unnecessarily tried to explain something to you.

anything is possible when you smell like a vengeful sea witch and embrace your own rage. i’m on a narwhal. 

othercat2:

jumpingjacktrash:

mujaween:

mujaween:

Published erotica: terribly written, costs money

Fanfiction on ao3: Free, isn’t affaid TO JUST USE THE WORD ‘COCK’ FFS

“His genitals, his privates, his hot length, his trobing rod, his magic meat stick-”

Me, in tears: Just say cock

published erotica: the parts that aren’t purple prose about vanilla sex are occupied by dithering and made up problems

fanfiction on ao3: the parts that aren’t sharp, clear prose about scorching kinky sex are occupied by tightly plotted suspense and slam-bang action

published erotica: not interested in the 99% of the market that’s heterosexual? that’s fine, we also have tender white middle class lesbians and slutty white middle class gay men!

fanfiction on ao3: one trans partner? both partners trans? genderswaps? how about a loving long-term threesome that does heist capers? we’ve got non-gendered angels, hermaphroditic aliens – some of whom lay eggs, if you’re into that – oh, and have i mentioned the robots –

published erotica: there, i put in a vampire, i’m such a genre rebel

fanfiction on ao3: i sent the avengers to hogwarts with the winchester brothers, i fear nothing on earth or heaven and only one thing in hell which is that my laptop will overheat in the fires of abaddon so i’ll have to write the sequel longhand

o/

kd-heart:

amoderndandy:

jonpertwee:

firmine:

infelixdidos:

voynichs:

british romanticism: i went into the woods and i found a beautiful woman, but she wasn’t really a woman, she was my Muse and the woods is my mind

american romanticism: i went into the woods and found the devil and he gave me a clock, but the clock was actually the industrial revolution and it fucking killed me

italian romanticism: i went into the woods and toppled face down over a root which proves nature is but a cruel stepmother, also this must somehow be a sign that God wants us to get rid of those fucking austrians

french romanticism: i went into the woods and found a peasant woman, but she wasn’t really a woman, she was the Republic and the woods is the people of France, wild, free and unconquered

Russian romanticism: I went into the woods, got shot, and died quietly like a decent person.

German Romanticism: i went into the woods and met a beautiful girl. But she left me so I decided to dedicate my life to freeing us from the French invaders! All the while we were singing peasant songs.

Romanian Romanticism: I got to the woods a century late, with my glorious ancestors in tow, trying to rebuild a fictitiously glorious past because the girl I love left me for a peasant