Scoundrels: The Hunt for Hansclapp by Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan
“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.
Vaginal ratchet? Chugging? Enamel? Is this a novel or Top Gear magazine?
(that’s a steam-powered vibrator, if you were wondering)
Katerina by James Frey
I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.
One.
White.
God.
Cum.
Cum.
Cum.
I close my eyes let out my breath.
Cum.
Thrust, thrust, thrust your cock, gently inside her. Cum inside, cum inside, cum inside her vagina
Connect by Julian Gough
He drops the bra to the floor, looks up, into her eyes, it’s too much. He kisses her chin, her mouth, and their tongues touch, oh, too much, he slips his lips free with a soft suck. Moves up to kiss her strong nose, on one side, then the other, it’s hard and soft at once. He moves back down, till he is level with her breasts.
‘They’re small,’ she says, surprisingly shy, apologetic.
‘They’re perfect,’ he says.
He kisses them. Teases a nipple with his lips. It’s so soft; and then, suddenly, hard.
Wow.
He sucks on the hard nipple.
He has never done this before, and yet; no, wait, of course, it is totally familiar.
The first thing he ever did.
He feels the huge change in meaning, in status; it is as though he had grown up in a single suck. Everything transformed. And yet nothing has changed at all; he sucks at a nipple as he lies on a bed, and it’s eighteen years later, and he sucks at a nipple as he lies on a bed, and his childhood falls away from him like a burned-out booster stage from a rocket. Its fuel used up. He is now in orbit around a different planet.
EWW! EWW! BRAIN BLEACH! I NEED BRAIN BLEACH!!!!!!!
I should not have to say this but DO NOT THINK OF YOUR MOTHERS BREASTS WHILE FUCKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
New rule, boys are never to be breastfed, always bottle fed. Breast is not best for boys.
Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami
My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all without making a sound, her breathing even. Her sex, though, had contracted around mine, and would not let go. As if it had an unshakeable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body.
[emphasis mine] Oh look, how lovely! Who doesn’t like a surprise rape scene?
Kismet by Luke Tredget
She shuffles her head closer to his cock, close enough to smell her own residue, and then takes it in her mouth, with the vague idea of cleaning it. Geoff mirrors this gesture by burying his head between her legs, and gradually she can feel his cock pumping up with blood, one pulse at a time, until it is long and hard and filling her wide-open mouth. They stay in this position for a long time, Anna sucking and slurping with the same lazy persistence you’d use on a gobstopper or a stick of rock. Eventually she loses her sense of the context altogether – of what she is doing or who she is with or where they are – and becomes an empty vessel for what feels like disembodied consciousness. She looks at the window and wonders how the glass feels encased within its wooden frame, what the shaggy clouds feel like being blown across the sky, what the walls felt like being splattered and smeared with wet paint …
I don’t know about Kismet, this sounds more like an update of the movie Mannequin but with Real Dolls.
Grace’s Day by William Wall
He’s almost weightless. When he enters me it hurts and my pain belongs to the subterranean world, primitive as the clay. His body is slacker than I expected, a small paunch begins at his waist and settles in a downward parabola to his groin. His pubic hair is red. His erect penis is a surprise although I had imagined what they would feel like, read about them, seen them represented on toilet walls and magazines. I didn’t see it before he entered me, but afterwards it is small and sticky and amusing. I want to touch it but I don’t dare. I don’t know the etiquette. He is twenty or more years older than me. This is sex.
This reads a bit like Cat Person if the man was a predator preying on virgins.
But let’s not forget the paunch.
The Paper Lovers by Gerard Woodward
He was aware that she was making a mewling sound as he put his lips to her tightened nipple and sucked. Her mouth was at his ear, her tongue travelling along its grooves, voice filling it. His mouth tugged at her, extended her, she snapped back, there was a taste of something on his tongue. In his mind he pictured her neck, her long neck, her swan’s neck, her Alice in Wonderland neck coiling like a serpent, like a serpent, coiling down on him. She had found a way through his clothing and her fingers had lightly touched his cock, then slowly began to take a firmer hold. He wanted to cry like a baby. He felt helpless, as though his body had come undone and she was fastening it. He felt as though he was bleeding somewhere. Then he felt powerful, gigantic. He would have kicked a door down.
Anyone else picturing him fucking some kind of eldritch nightmare?
That’s a lot cuter than I was picturing, but google images failed me.
So, who gets your vote for the winner of the Bad sex award 2018?
I think my favorite experience with an American was when I said “I’m from Finland” and she said “Oh so do you speak Scandinavian?” and I swear to god nothing will ever surpass that moment
Actually I fucking lied I’m pretty sure to peak was when my mother was telling a cashier in a target that we couldn’t wait two weeks because we were on vacation and we lived in The Netherlands and she said “The Netherlands? you mean that peter pan place?”
i went to summer school in england when i was like 14 and there were some american people and when i said i was italian they started speaking spanish, and when i was like “hey i don’t know spanish can u pls speak english” they were like “but…. you’re from italy… do you not speak spanish in europe?” “No, we speak italian in italy” “oh, that’s a language?”
reminds me of the sheer number of times I’ve had to explain that the NS regime and the Berlin wall did not happen at the same time
1, 10, 19, 28: the sweetest people, the public adores them and it’s easy to see why, very happy and light, the most magnetic, gentle, easy to get along with, has a singular purpose, effortless, has a fresh kind of innocence, authentic, engaging, desires to learn more about the world, naturally shines brightly, slightly quirky, very popular, may seem simplistic but in actuality are quite complex, their brand of sensitivity is lovely, seductive, relatable, likeable, genuine, their charm and aura is like an electric light, very caring, very considerate, also stubborn and childish/childlike, quite fragile, needy and insecure, pioneers, beautiful souls, often iconic and legendary
2, 11, 20, 29: very sexy, tends to stand out, as calm and modest as they are fiery and intense, quietly powerful and influential, were more than likely bullied as kids, have anger issues, seems boring and are easily dismissed yet are the very ones you don’t want to sleep on, regal, often inspires much hate and jealousy, machiavellian, standoffish, enigmatic, reclusive, inscrutable, hard to get to know completely, not easily understood by anyone, quiet, intellectuals, often stoic and compartmentalizes feelings very well; almost to the point of being numb, emotionally bulletproof, keeps to themselves, snobby, can be a bit sensitive, deep, introspective, often taken for granted, commands respect, can be totally heartless, sincere, mature and dignified, the most lovable, spontaneous, idiosyncratic, very individualistic, loyal, can be caring, doesn’t take shit from anyone, very charismatic and magnetic, can be very sweet, can be completely detached, cold, wicked, cruel, distant and aloof, very mean-spirited mainly just because they can be, funny, very mysterious and private, complex, turns their pain into something amazing, the toughest of them all
3, 12, 21, 30: very very creative, irreverent, nervous, edgy, can be quite bossy, great communicators, an original voice, exacting, their voice is often their instrument, can be loudmouths, can be a bit crazy, can come off a bit spoiled, also can be disrespectful, very deft with their words, often quite funny, demanding, distant, can get aggressive, irreverent, aggressive, controversial, super defensive, very rash and impulsive, very intelligent, private, idiosyncratic, often operates on the fringes of society, they make the shittiest bosses, always something up their sleeve, strong-willed, likes a challenge, combative, expressive, completely unsentimental, values freedom above all, imaginative, shrewd, cautious
4, 13, 22, 31: humanitarians, romantic, faithful, pragmatic, reserved, controversy always seems to surround them, critical, anxious, smart-mouthed yet very sensitive, proud, tries hard to be individualistic but in reality is just like everyone else, very shady, can be and is often very disrespectful, patronizing and egotistical, can be quite judgmental, always working, likes to one-up people, needs control and is often very self-controlled, often fake, passive-aggressive, very opportunistic and savvy, great at making friends, very contradictory and hypocritical, often very talented and hardworking, competitive, inspires others, wants to be known as kind and great in everyone’s eyes, often has hidden motives
5, 14, 23: creative, sociable, dramatic, comes off very confident and cocksure, exciting, tend to be misunderstood a lot, spoiled brats, lively, strong-willed, calculating, in your face, shady, childish, unfriendly, con artists, pretentious, likes to seem omnipotent, petty, deeply insecure, delusions of grandeur, perceptive, arrogant, touchy, a bit obnoxious, capricious, volatile, unstable, uninhibited; insincere, condescending, blunt, sharp tongued and are more often than not the biggest assholes yet funnily enough are quite sensitive (almost hypersensitive), are usually mean because they’ve been hurt, defensive, intense, very reactionary, go-getters, often very popular for whatever reason, can be sexy, tightly wound yet carefree, hypocritical, doesn’t know the meaning of boundaries, crazy, very high maintenance, lucky in life but unlucky in love
6, 15, 24: the nicest and most relatable and likeable people, fascinating, can be a bit insecure, knows how to live life well, passionate, admirable, generous, driven, not concerned with conventions, can be offensive, as laid-back as they are motivated, can be mean, things just seem to fall in place for these people, has their fingers in every pot, open- minded, great to be friends with, nothing slows them down, loves a good time, lives life to the fullest, blunt and authentic, non-judgmental, might not be the luckiest when it comes to love but hands down the absolute luckiest when it comes to life
7, 16, 25: strong, spiky, has been through a lot, hard-edged yet secretly has a heart of gold, often geniuses, talented, keeps their cool, as immature as they are mature, rebellious, fighters, not concerned with the opinion of others, marches to the best of their own drummer, also judgmental, curious, overlooked often, individualistic, adventurous, opinionated, quite realistic, has strong self-respect, poetic, likes to push people’s buttons, tough to pin down, moody, very knowing, always keeps others on their toes, no-nonsense, distrustful of others, says they don’t like drama but secretly live for it, totally respected, they ooze sex, what you see isn’t necessarily what you get
8, 17, 26: bosses, commanding, assertive, grandiose, has a very wide reach, imaginative, never boring, vain, self-confident, very very popular and well-liked and it’s easy to see why; very influential, creative, visionaries, future-minded, doesn’t have to try too hard, talented, tends to exaggerate a lot, tells great stories, selfish, excellent at their craft, widely respected, unique, brave, also very dramatic and intense but nobly so, specializes in living in a fantasy world, creates controversy, dynamic, also very iconic and legendary
9, 18, 27: very original, big humanitarians, innovative, imaginative, takes a lot of shit but is strong enough to handle it, pioneers, idealistic, soft and sensitive, often can’t control themselves, believes in love almost to the detriment of logic, moves on well, generous, can often be quite irritating and annoying, protective, easily hurt, likes to be in everyone’s business, also very sharp-tongued, can be more than a bit corny but usually means well, complicated yet straightforward, surprisingly self-aware, entertaining, tries to do the right thing, often comes off as a martyr, very spiritual/religious, believes in things like fate and soulmates, believes that tomorrow is another day
🌟star: smol, very sweet, shy, glasses, pink and purple pastels, no make up, loves sunny and warm days, a cat person, has a diary, doesn’t need a lot of friends, introvert, a good listener, cuddles, smells like vanilla, gets up early, supports lgbt a lot, looks at the stars before going to bed.
✨galaxy: overreacts, extra but sweet, people usually think bad of them but like when they start talking, very supportive, will keep u safe, facebook and twitter, english breakfast tea, high heels, make up artist, sarcastic, smile only to their loves ones, honest, has an instagram feed.
🌕moon: sleepy, doesn’t like school, memes and tumblr, looks smol but will fight you, 80s, meme master, coffee all the time, doesn’t party, headphones music only, tea and cookies, goes to sleep early but always feels tired, studying is not necessary, eats a lot.
🌍planet: sweet, animals are better than people, a dreamer, draws well, offers their help to everyone, a comforter, will buy you food and won’t ask the money back, borrows stuff, not very picky, wants to travel, will save the world.
💫universe: changes hairstyles daily, macbook and iphone, has money, reads horoscopes, laughs loudly, tea master, wears make up at home ‘cause too lazy to remove it, has two friends but loves them more than anything else, probably queer, lo-fi pop music, photography.
Imagine planet earth but the narration is ridiculous and hilarious
Available on Netflix in the US [as of December 2017], this seems exactly like something a Space Australia-type person might make to introduce aliens to Earth.
persephone's corner 