hxdeharia:

mothwizard:

me: i want something very short and small and cutesy but most importantly body safe and discreet

sex toy companies: try the DEVASTATOR SEVENTY THREE INCHES OF PURE JELLY RUBBER HYPER REALISTIC VEINS WE SHOWED IT TO A NUN ONCE AND SHE BURST INTO FLAMES THERE’S ONLY ONE SETTING: DEVASTATION THE VIBRATIONS CAUSED AN EARTHQUAKE MILLIONS ARE DEAD

Why did I laugh so much

dumbledore: fuck yeah i got the resurrection stone!
dumbledore: oh shit, where can i hide it?
dumbledore: *sees a snitch that can only open if harry potter makes out with it*
dumbledore: there is no possible way this isn’t the best idea i’ve ever had

bicatlantis:

Mom: How is school going?
Me: Fine.
Patrick Warburton enters the room*
Patrick Warburton: In most situations the word ‘fine’ means ‘well’ or at least ‘good enough’. But as you, dear viewers, know school could not be further from ‘well’ or ‘good enough’. A selection of more appropriate words to use would be ‘dreadful’, ‘atrocious’, or ‘abominable’, a word which here means ‘dreadful or atrocious’.